When I got out of the hospital for OCD treatment, I started going to church at the invitation of a friend. Two years later, I still go weekly. I sometimes go to church group meetings on Tuesday evening, where we talk about the message of the week. I have a group of church friends that I hang out with. It’s all very wholesome and I am so grateful for my church community.
As a former strong agnostic (“I don’t know and neither do you!”), the intellectual journey has been interesting. I would still say, in some technical sense, that I don’t really know what’s ~out there~. But I would say the growth has been that I don’t really think that matters.
I no longer feel the need to know in some mathematical sense that my spiritual beliefs are correct. I don’t really care. It’s not actually important. What’s more important is that these beliefs enrich me and keep me grounded and guide me towards being a better person.
As I keep going to church, something weird has happened. I like it, but I also recognize that my beliefs are different than my compatriots. I want to talk about them here. Not because I think I’m right and they’re wrong, but because I think different beliefs work for different people and we don’t discuss that enough.
i don’t do theology
I have no desire to debate like was Jesus really the literal son of God born to a virgin, etc. I don’t want to get into which Old Testament prophecies say and how they were fulfilled. These things are incredibly important to some people. They are not super important to me.
What’s important to me, at really basic level, is the idea that all of us are given a gift. The traditional Christian word is salvation but that sounds, well, too preach-y to me. It’s basically the idea that all of us make mistakes, but we have the opportunity to get up each morning and it’s okay. The past is past. It’s a new day. We are loved. And we can’t give this gift back, we can’t undo it. We don’t have to do anything in exchange for it and we didn’t do anything to get it. Someone did a bunch of work and while we were sleeping cleaned up whatever mess we made.
It’s kind of a crazy idea. Think about someone who really lives a bad life. Someone who swindles retirees out of money, a scammer. Well, every day they wake up. And the past is past, and today is a new day, and they are loved. Today they may choose to rob more seniors, and that’s lamentable. But tomorrow morning, they will be given the same gift and they have the choice to do something different. The gift is given patiently, regularly, each day. The clean up is tedious but happens like clockwork.
A funny thing happens when you realize you are shown this generosity. You ease up. You stop looking around thinking everyone is out to get you. You want to be a better person and treat others and yourself better. You can’t pay it back so you might as well pay it forward.
That’s the basic idea behind Christianity to me. It’s that all of us are shown kindness and understanding every day, and we can’t give that gift back, so we have to live knowing we’ve been given this gift. There’s a lot of responsibility in that, in a way. But it’s a sort of joyful responsibility.
Again, some people really focus on the whole “Jesus died for your sins” thing. I personally think Christians overdo this. But it is a kind of somber reminder like: yes look how much I care, I care enough to die so that you can get up every morning with a clean slate. And like I said, some people find that symbolism incredibly powerful and important and that’s great. I’m more of a feet washing and hanging out with prostitutes kind of Christian, but part of the reason Christianity has been so successful is that this basic idea of the slate being wiped clean is communicated powerfully in ways that speak to many types of people. I think it’s just a thing we need to hear, repeatedly, together in community.
breaking out of fractal cynicism
My sociologist brain thinks of Christianity in part as a social technology. It gives you someone to talk to that understands you and loves you and is patient, but also has expectations of you to do the right thing. It nudges you towards universalism: we believe that *everyone* is equal in dignity and extended the same gift. It’s hard to put that into practice but having the goal and chewing on how to make it a reality is incredibly productive. It also nudges you towards each other, towards sharing and connecting and living harmoniously in community.
In my experience, Christianity can bring people together in a wonderful way. I really didn’t understand why people liked church when I was young. It seemed like a lot of rules and a mean God. It turns out I was just in the wrong church. My current church is welcoming, focused on community and participation, and also dips into serious things like bearing each others burdens and supporting one another. It’s incredibly earnest and focused on figuring out how to live the right way and then doing it.
It’s the first community I’ve experienced in a long time that is decidedly not cynical. There is no world weariness. There is no sense that life is decidedly sad or the world is beyond repair or anything like that. There’s an earnest desire to help one another, take care of the bad things, and work towards good things. We talk about serious and difficult stuff—I’ve talked about my mental health issues and family issues a lot—but we always figure out how to hope.
The most surprising thing for me personally is praying. I thought praying was stupid my entire life. Not kidding. I was like “this is dumb.” Now, I love it. Why? Because it’s a time to state how you feel, what you need, and to do so honestly. It’s also deeply comforting to know my friends are thinking about me and hoping for the best for me. It’s kind of magical.
old school
It kind of makes sense that a religion that has been around for 2000 years would still have the power to bring people together and help them find meaning and community. It’s the thing where the technology that will exist furthest into the future is the oldest technology—paper, wine, etc. I’ve found my version that works, and I’m very grateful.
Through this I’ve also learned to be more skeptical of approaches to living that discard the basics: meeting in groups to share honestly; a belief structure which both helps us forgive ourself/others AND pushes us to examine ourselves and live better. We have few institutions outside of religion to do this, and many totalizing institutions (e.g. academia) become quasi-religious but without the connective tissue that religion can provide.
I’m not saying I have the answers for you, but I am saying that there is some wisdom in old traditions you may be able to discover for yourself to enrich your life.